Another week of Starcraft nerds ripping it up on ladder and tournaments. Here are the highlights of the week - and don't forget to follow us on Twitter and Instagram for ultimate Starcraft dankness.

MEME OF THE WEEK


RAGE RANT OF THE WEEK

It's been a long week at work and you just want to connect to your favorite strategy game, enjoy its beautiful art, hell even maybe fucking roleplay as the wise leader of an ancient yet advanced and sophisticated race. This is a fresh start. You ravish at the familiar sound of your first buildings warping, and just feel proud about your probes being so hard at work. At this point, you even gave names to some of them: Vanessa has the privilege of being part of a control group and being sent scouting, while Bob will stay in the base to supervise the growth. You think that nothing could disturb this beautiful harmony, at least for a while...

On her way, Vanessa crosses the path of Grobe the probe, her evil distant cousin. He is already strangely close to your base, and Vanessa tries to warn you. But of course you're in Gold 3 fresh out of Silver, have 69 APM, and the minimap is more of an abstract concept for you than anything. You might as well be colorblind because you didn't pay attention to that tiny red dot moving towards you.

Finally, Vanessa reaches the other side of the map, and you give her the attention she deserves and dresses like for. The shapes on the minimap are much bigger after all. The first thing you see up the ramp gives you shivers: it's a forge. Diligently, you send Bob to scout down your own ramp, because you've heard that scouting is the name of the game, and it gives you an ego boost every time you do it even though at your level it more often that not ends up in not paying any attention to it and just having an idle probe.

But this time, Bob is not so lucky as ending up idle. The moment he starts sliding down the ramp in style, he gets blasted away at the speed of light. Before you realize it, it's already too late. Three photon cannons are in your face, and you realize that you've been stabbed in the back by one of your kind. Grobe the probe is now up your ramp warping in more aggressively. That sound now terrifies you. As you pull most of your probes in a hopeless effort to do something, and at least get Grobe's ass, he creates a wall of pylons behind your mineral line and laughs at you from his improvised fortress.

As your gateway gets unpowered right before the chronoboosted stalker can get out, and you realize Vanessa has been surrounded and gangbanged in your opponent's mineral line while you were not looking, you rage quit and decide to play a DT rush for the next ten games. The chain of evil has only just started.

It seems that this week, Ernest Hemingway came back from the dead, decided to play Starcraft II for some weird reason, got promptly cannon-rushed, sent us a beautifully penned rage rant (written in the third-person, also for some weird reason), and swiftly decided that going back to the graveyard was better than ladder.

Look, we get it: cannon rushes can be hard to deal with, and quite demoralizing. But don't let it get to you. Why? Because fear leads to anger, anger leads to hatred, hatred leads to suffering, and suffering leads to the dark side, which leads you to DT-rush, cannon-rush, void-ray rush, and occasionally tempest-rush. So don't give in, for while you are now the hunted, soon, you will be the hunter.


THE DANK TEMPLARS UNIVERSITY

Since Ernest Hemingway put us on the topic of cannon rushes, here is how you defend against them: Zerg, Terran (just build a tank, siege too close to a cannon, and rage quit), Protoss.


TOP MATCHES OF THE WEEK

SC2 - Trap vs. Reynor - DreamHack SC2 Masters: Fall - Grand Final - Season Finals
In today’s matches at DreamHack SC2 Masters: Fall All you need to know about the Esl Pro Tour: https://pro.eslgaming.com/tour/ Join in the discussion: https:...
Kimchi or Pizza?
[2020 GSL S3] Ro.24 Group F Match1 PartinG vs ByuN
[ENG] 2020 GSL S3 Code S RO24 Group F Group F: PartinG, ByuN, Patience, Bunny
Grandpa glasses vs Harry Potter glasses: who will win?
SC2 - TY vs. Trap - DreamHack SC2 Masters: Fall - Group A - Season Finals
In today’s matches at DreamHack SC2 Masters: Fall - TY vs. Trap All you need to know about the Esl Pro Tour: https://pro.eslgaming.com/tour/ Join in the disc...
Battle of the haircuts: which bowl haircut will prevail?
SC2 - Serral vs. Clem - DreamHack SC2 Masters: Fall - Quarter Final - Season Finals
In today’s matches at DreamHack SC2 Masters: Fall All you need to know about the Esl Pro Tour: https://pro.eslgaming.com/tour/ Join in the discussion: https:...
I don't know about you, but I only watched this to see Serral's facial reactions after every game.

TOURNAMENT RESULTS [SPOILERS]

  • DreamHack Fall Season Finals: While some Terrans were busy finding life on Venus, Reynor (Z) was busy taking lives in DreamHack - he wins it all, with a 4-3 win over Trap (P) in the finals
  • GSL 2020 Season 3, Group F: ByuN (T) and PartinG (P) make it out of the group, knocking out Patience (P) and Bunny (T)
  • ESL Open Cup #36, EU: HeroMarine (T) wins for the sixth time in a row, over Rail (P)
  • ESL Open Cup #36, KR: Trap (P), arguably the best Protoss in the world at the moment, takes it over the veteran Stats (P)
  • ESL Open Cup #36, AM: PtitDrogo (P) wins over Armani (Z), continuing the tradition of no player from the Americas actually winning the ESL Open Cup Americas

That's it for this week - as always, if you feel the rage bubbling inside, let it overflow into a rage rant, and submit it to thedanktemplars@gmail.com. And if you've enjoyed reading this, tell your friend(s) to subscribe to The Dank Templars - share the rage! GLHF nerds.